SPD or/and something else?

by S
(Finland)

I'm 22, was diagnosed with depression five years ago. My psychiatrists wondered if the diagnosis was correct but to this day I haven't got any other diagnoses, and don't know what's exactly wrong with me. I'm always trying to listen to myself and understand myself better, I have found ways to make things easier for myself but I still struggle with everyday life.

My sister some time ago introduced me to SPD, being sure I have it. However, even if some of the symptoms match perfectly, the combination of symptoms doesn't make much sense to me.

I am extremely sensitive to touch, since young age I couldn't stand certain textures and clothes. I would try to take off some of my clothes when my parents wouldn't see me and would cry if I wasn't allowed to. Wearing underwear was difficult for me until the age of 13, and wearing jeans or multiple layers of clothes isn't still an option. There are many textures I still can't stand touching.

I enjoy touching people but I can't stand people touching me. I'm extremely ticklish and jumpy, and I can't stand pain at all. Physical relationships have always been difficult to me.

I'm not over-sensitive to anything else but touch, at least not frequently, but I can relate to several sensory seeking disorder symptoms. These are something I don't like to talk about much because I somehow feel like everyone has these, and they're quite a normal thing..

I seek for sensations for all of my other senses constantly. I yearn for loud music and high volume when watching TV or videos. I want to hear every detail and get irritated if the volume is too low. I can repeat one part of a song for tens of times just to enjoy the sensation again. Same with videos and certain movements that I find pleasing to watch. I also often can't control my own voice, I either talk very loudly or with no sound at all. People constantly tell me to be either quieter or louder.

I love bright lights and enjoy staring at them. I also get irritated if there's too much light or not enough of it.

I need to move and change my position constantly. If I need to stay put, it's either my feet moving and hands fiddling something. I chew on almost everything, if I'm not biting my nails I might notice I'm biting small objects, often into smaller pieces. I also do a lot with my hands. As a kid I used to get yelled at for ripping wallpapers but I probably don't do anything disturbing with them anymore..

Being able to sense so much makes also my life more enjoyable. I often start running as fast as I can in the middle of my journey back home or to the store just for the sensation. I go swinging regularly and always stay for hours while listening to loud music. This is the most enjoyable thing in the world I can think of (along with live concerts), the sensation is so overwhelming.

But what makes my everyday life difficult is trying to live on the same pace along everyone else. I am slow in everything that I do and get exhausted after just few of hours of work. I can't work on things that I dislike, but also not on things that I love more than anything. My sister thinks it's because my senses get overwhelmed so easily, but I don't know what to think of it myself.

Even after I have learned to accept myself as I am, got over my social phobia and found my passion in sports, my energy resources just wouldn't go up. I exercise regularly, eat healthily and according to my exercising plan (unless I'm under A LOT of stress, then I eat carelessly and way too much), I even sleep enough every night. I do lots of small things daily that bring me happiness and meditate, trying to keep my stress level as low as possible. Still, after one day at work I need at least one day-rest before I'm able to get up from bed again. If I get that rest, I'm perfectly fine again the next day and excited to live, and if not, I can still struggle through another day or two before I will most likely fall apart.

It is really difficult trying to get help, and I'm getting tired of trying to make people understand me. I'm always put back to mental clinics when these problems occur, and they keep treating it as depression.

Anyone who took time to read this, thank you. I just wanted to write down some of my thoughts and clear my own hear. Apologizes if this got off-topic near the end, and apologizes for my poor English too, it's not my first language.