Overwhelmed is an Understatement

by Camm
(California)

If You Feel like me... The last six months has been Emotionally the Hardest, I've ever faced in my 29 year old Life!

I'm a mother of two. I have a 7y/o Daughter and 2y/o Son.

From Birth, My son was...(for lack of better term) Difficult. He would cry and cry, as I tried everything and anything I could think of to calm Him. Trying to narrow down what the problem was seemed near impossible. This was a daily thing... Trying to Console Him was Heartbreaking 💔 Holding, Rocking, and Cradling would make the Situation worse! Can You imagine? Trying to Hold and Comfort your Child and He recoils from Your Affection, from Your touch? It's a very Helpless feeling.

The simplest of things were a challenge. I Started to doubt myself as a mother. Asking MyselF.. Has it really been that long? Did I forget how Hard it was to care for an Infant? It was only 5 years ago...I remember My daughter being a Happy Baby. I had never experienced being Unable to figure out the "issue" or "solution" with any Children I babysat, (quiet a few) or My own until My Son came along.

When sharing with Friends how Challenging it was, I'd often get the, "Boys are always Harder" or "Some babies are just Fussy"...My Son wouldn't smile at Me. Seemed like forever, He'd just give a blank stare. Not impressed by anything I tried.

Emotionally it devastated me. This Beautiful Boy is Half My Heart, My Life! I'd Die for My Kids! and to be unable to do what should come Naturally felt like I was a Failure.

Things did start getting a bit better, at least in comparison to how hard it was in the first 3-4 months. He was hitting the major milestones, Rolling, crawling, walking. But Not Babbling, clapping, pointing, or acknowledgement of His Name. He could hear...but Only what He desired to. Whether it was his favorite show or a special toy, I couldn't compete.

I'd bring these concerns to the doctor, most of the time she would Assure me all children grow at their own pace. Some take longer than others. And we'll keep an eye on it. It was a constant battle in my head. Denial vs Gut instinct. Part of me Knew Something was wrong, and the other was Self Convincing that everything would be okay, just give it time.

I gave it time... I started researching His odd behaviors. From no eye contact, to Hand flapping (like imitating a Bird) AUTISM...MY HEART SANK INTO MY STOMACH READING THE SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS TO LOOK FOR. It was as if they wrote the article on My son!

At that point it was undeniable to Me. Im researching researching till My brain is overloaded. Brought my concerns to his doctor again, this time with the homework I had done. I was never more sure of anything in my life. My Son had to have Autism, everything matched!

I felt like my concerns were downplayed. She didn't seem to be as concerned or convinced as I was. Almost as if I was being overdramatic. No! I had pushed my intuition away for too Long! I'm a very strong person I pride myself on that. I rarely Cry... For Some reason, I can't verbalize what's happening without crying. I get a huge lump in my throat. I know it comes from a place of love and a place of fear. The very thought of the struggles My Son has to face daily is Soul shattering.

My son's grandma took it upon herself to arrange an evaluation through the inland regional center. She has a 30y/o Autistic Son Herself, so She got ball rolling for Me. There, my son was diagnosed with SPD. Finally some answers... He receives behavioral therapy 3 times a week 2 hours a day.

I don't give my Son enough credit, He has come SOOOO FARRRR from where He was it's amazing. I'm sorry for the horror filled story. But I had to be honest about the emotional struggle... It was hard and it still is...

But not all are dark times. My Son will now allow me to hug him and kiss him without complete rejection. He's even walked up and given me a hug on his own accord! And as cliche as it sounds, You don't appreciate what you have until it's gone. That toddler with two million questions, That Lap Baby who wants to be held all day...Don't take it for granted. Because I did with My eldest. I'd give anything in the world to hear my son say "I love You Mom"...

Just know if you feel like me you're not alone.