My story

by Laura
(Canada)

I'm 19 years old now and found out last week I have SPD. I had my mom fill out the checklist for kids and I filled out the one for adults. Under sensory discrimination and sensory-based motor skills I have very few checked, but under the rest only a couple are NOT checked.

I've always explained my feelings as torture. I was told I had ADHD, OCD, Depression, and just bad anxiety. Now after many medications and countless efforts to feel comfortable in my own skin I know It is likely to stay. The only time I felt normal was while smoking weed every day, using e, kedamine and smoking as much as I could. I made friends, acted like them, thought like them etc.

When sober of coarse I went insane but who wouldn't after that. I had motivation from cravings to do things and had social skills. I had a life. Now, sober and clean I do what I must each day but with extreme sadness, anger, irritability etc etc. I see two friends once a week, if I motivate myself to leave the comforts of my home. I am very scared I will continue feeling hopeless and that death is my best choice. Drugs made me want to live after wanting to die from ages 12-17.

Now since I quit 3 months ago I feel just as I did before. I am finishing school work at home to graduate. I don't have to be in class with the lights, sounds, people, etc. This allows me to get my work done with less distraction but now am alone without happiness. I am VERY social, I NEED to talk with people everyday so I talk on the phone.. I have pets but can't stand every little noise they make as it increases my pulse and I go mad. I always have to be moving in efforts to be more comfortable.

I've changed so many things allowing me to put up with my sensitivity but can not hide from it. Only loud music, talking with people, and sleep help my mind from going completely insane. I have full support from my family and doctors and the few friends who love me despite my behaviour.

I do have good qualities I just don't care because all I ever want is to be able to relax. This is impossible as long as I am sober or awake.... I hate sleep though because I have nightmares every time I can fall asleep. I have insomnia due to my anxiety from what I know now is SPD. Everything I was confused about my behaviour and feelings makes sense now. I just never thought I was screwed for sure now knowing it can't go away. But only be helped. It is helped already though!!!

My clothes, my lights, my pens, my computer settings, my everything is adjusted to suit my needs. So what now?? I can't keep living like this, its isn't living. While doing drugs they dulled my sense when sober, sure skin crawlies but that's no change. I could see the good in life, I felt and understood why we love, live, just be, and feared death. I never felt lonely or hopeless. The reason I quit was my parents, they're mormon so obviously they were not okay while I chose drugs. It was torture for them, but now they still feel tortured but only around me. I need to know I can learn to be happy sober.

I know others suffer similarly but every feeling I experience, every decision I make, every thing in my life revolves around my SPD. I am losing everything I've worked to gain that matters to me because I'm just SENSITIVE. I always hated sensitive people, I always thought my feelings and behaviours were due to an underlying cause of post-traumatic stress, or ADHD or OCD. I thought I could eventually deal with those issues with medications or just recognizing it and working through it. It was all pointless.. and now to try and help myself I've read so much and only found out things my mom did growing up, things I did for myself to feel comfortable and to avoid the anxiety and hell I feel is all that I can do now.

My mom didn't know of SPD, she's a therapist. There's no occupational therapists here and I can learn just fine but with patience and time. Someone please post a story of their desperate times and how and why they can manage to live with themselves now. I didn't write more specifics of my SPD because I won't ever stop writing and I can't do that, obviously.