My Conflict

by Anonymous
(New Mexico)

Hello. I am a fourteen-year-old girl, and I have been diagnosed with both SPD and ADD in different points in my life. As you can imagine, I have had many difficulties in my life. My SPD was diagnosed and treated when I was younger; however, I feel that it isn't so much that I have one or the other, or that the SPD has completely gone away due to early treatment- on the contrary, it affects my life daily. I believe I have both, and that they are heavily entwined. Please note that this isn't necessarily a scientific or strongly informed opinion, but rather a perspective shaped by my experiences and my contemplations of them.

When I was small, I had very many issues. If my parents raised their voices to a certain pitch, or if there was a large crowd, I would hide someplace darker and quieter, like under the piano. It was hard for me to go outside on a summer day without my eyes hurting from the bright light. I definitely had some problems, and a lot of them were treated, but the ones that remained continue to affect me. There were some other childhood complications (forgive me, but I would like not to go into detail) that affected this. Surprisingly-at least, I didn't think about it too much- the majority of my other methods for "tactile defensiveness" are deeply affiliated with my other diagnosis- my ADD.

Although I wasn't fully able to enjoy life and the things around me, I felt I could live through stories. It's surprising how much pain is reduced when, instead of being in a hot and noisy classroom where there isn't a good place to hide, you are on the other side of the planet, solving some ancient mystery or saving the world. I could list many benefits to this kind of defense, but the more I progressed through my life, the more I was- and am- concerned with the negative side of the coin. Often, I would say something silly or unorthodox and gain the fear and hatred of my peers. I have to admit, childhood complications play a large part in this, for the distance formed by the half-thoughts I blurted out caused me more pain than I thought my other condition would ever wreak upon me. I truly felt like a monster. And it's true that the youth tend to misunderstand things more than adults, but it still burned to feel like I had made no progress since my childhood. So although I have been caused a lot of pain by my sensory condition, the most pain caused would be by a person I love or respect fearing me because of my mistakes- seeing me as the monster I thought I was when I was young.

That has been my personal conflict- between what my body is telling me to do, and what my mind and heart want me to do.