Here are my feelings , do I have SPD ? Or ocd? What's happening to me !

by Emma
(Western Australia. )

I'm not sure if it's a bit of ocd , or a rough up rings or Spd ? I wanted to share the things that bug me or drive me crazy. Please be honest and offer ideas on what to do next. I'm feeling crazy.

I have a short temper, things that make it worse, or make me want to punch the walls are hearing chewing or crunching I have to block my ears almost , and when my house gets messy , if everything isn't in its place it feels like the world is falling apart and any little stress that comes my way feels worse. I'm only noticing as I have 2 boys , 3 & 5 , I'm 36 and I'm part time studying ( interior architecture ) and full time mummy , my hubby works full time but is a loving helpful father and husband but even he can not understand my meltdowns.

So I finally folded my clothes and my bedroom is in order, I feel so much calmer, any issues my boys just and trying to get to bed I can handle , unlike an hour ago when everything wasn't clean yet the kitchen the bench the clothes , it was so stressful. Is this ocd?

Another thing I can't handle is when the tv is on my husband is trying to talk to me about work and the boys are just being children ! But I hear it all, I hear it all at once , then my poor family gets it , I either yell at my husband or children to stop or I have to turn the tv off. Is this normal ?

I prefer to have my to on mute while the children play , even when there happy I still can only handle one thing , I get socially awkward and anxiety when at the shopping Center and my boys don't behave , I feel like all the noise and all the eyes are just at me and I feel like a bad mum , like I have no control , I either stop what I'm doing and just leave and we go home , or I have to go to the bathroom with them and calm myself down and try and reason with them , or is this just motherhood.

My background & childhood , I didn't have my father around he was a drunk and cheated and hurt my mother, he later died from drinking , but the short moments I had with my father where loving. My mother she remarried and he seemed controlling & old fashion but they smoked drugs and partied when I was younger and I was left do whatever I wanted as I child, and most I don't remember , but around ten they started going to church and become sober and God crazy.
My teens where hard and I rebeled , I was in fist fights at clubs and would escape to mosh pits and parties , I never was hard into drugs or drinking , out of fear of turning into my father. So yes I was normal teen with not to much care at home , and mum always avoided conflict , even when it came to my step father hitting me and bullying me about my body , my elder sisters had moved out earlier and where never effected by my step fathers upbringing so I can't turn to them , it was like I was in the way of there life , and I was a reminder or my mothers first love, my younger half sister was spoiled and treated so different , there is a lot of family tension and unspoken issues , but lots of guilt bought up on how I was a difficult teen and should just get over it. We all talk now but some,things we just avoid talking about and most of the blame is put back on to me.

So my past dose make it difficult , I also have dyslexia as my mum and step dad separated for a few months and I kissed half a year of school for some reason , and my would get so frustrated when she would try and teach me math or English , she would just give up and my step dad would tell her to calm down but would never help me , or even evolve himself in my life. It's hurtful to say this and it is a long time ago , It's so different as I'm a mum now , and I can't control my temper. When I would get angry as a I teen I could distroy my room and my things and slam my door , no one cared they where scared of me, now mate to hold me and say it's alright or they loved me, they couldn't stand me. I was lost , I would calm my self down by picking up my mess and making my room in perfect order, I had to be able to control something , I struggled in school with my grades but I've always be creative and was very athletic.

With eating I like 3 different things on my plate , I like making elbrate breakfasts with lots of flavour. IM not sure if any thing is to do with Spd. But I feel like everything is to much , I once keft a playgroup as it had so much stuff on the walls and windows and both my sons where not behaving the room was small and loud and my boys where not happy either, I had to leave the room , it felt like it was closing in on me..

I had a mental breakdown about 2 years ago , my family dose the know as they've never been supportive when I breast feed or how hard it was to settle my boys for sleeping , or how tired I was in those early months, they thighs I just needed iron ! When I needed more the 3 hours sleep a night ! Any way the breakdown was terrifying. I was screaming and I couldn't stop, I couldn't stop the scream coming out of my mouth , I'd lost control and I sobbed, my husband took me to hospital they wanted me to go to a baby and mother Center so I could sleep and help with settling but I couldn't afford it , instead I was taken to a mental health hospital where a male therapist talked to me about slef harm and issues that made me feel worse. I was seen at home by 2 male therapist that made me feel so uncomfortable , sorry but what do these men know about being a women and being a mother ? I couldn't stand them being in my home. Any way the systems failed and I haven't trusted them since. Wasn't told to get medication and I'm not on amhthing.

Lastly.
Currently for the last 1. & a half years been liveng in a hot place , well it's near the desert it's usually around 40-45 deg , and I notice it later but it makes me so angry , I can't stand the heat and the bright sun, it's sounds crazy the sun makes people happy , I have to wear sunnies all the time , it's so bright and annoying. The heat is so heavy and draining , most of the time spent in doors and it drives me nuts.

One more thing I can think of not sure if it's Spd or I'm crazy , but If an item falls of the bench onto gen ground and I can't catch it , it drive me mad, like an empty cup or cutlery that was meant for the draw , if it drops or falls I grunt or yell out in rage. I guess talking about these things I can hopefully change. I'm also taking a break from social media as for some reason it's been really annoying. Please ask me question or give me your insights ? Jane.