Disoriented

by Catherine
(Brooklyn, NY)

Hello,

I am now 46 years old and I'm still unable to get people to understand what I've been trying to tell them my entire life. People do not want to listen or believe in,, "negative" things but, denying and ignoring sure makes it worse.

I knew something was wrong pretty early on. I grew up in a very stressful environment. Parents fighting all the time. Physically at times,, how much I cannot recollect. I just remember being very nervous and stressed out to the point where I started pulling my eyelashes out when I was in the 2nd Grade. I continued til the 5th grade to where my top lid was bare. I still do it every once in a while when I feel stressed and overwhelmed.

The facts are that I grew up to people who had 2 kids ,, "accidentally". Had not much to give either Physically or emotionally. They divorced early on, when I was around 5, Thank Goodness but, the fighting continued with my mothers brother and father who lived in the house. I assume my mother felt very resentful of her situation of having to get a job and raise kids. There were No parents there physically or emotionally. The worst was when I was getting older. I Truly know now that my mother had to have been in such Emotional/Psych DEBT. I felt like she was trying to kill me, get rid of me, just plain,,, make me go away!

I could not get any of my basic emotional needs meet. Any need or feeling was met with,,,Like I should be able to do things for myself,, or like there was something wrong with me if I needed,,, Love,,caring,, attention,, comforting. She made me feel like "I" was supposed to be taking care of Her! I literally felt ,, Robbed,, like she was ,, stealing my energy,, turning it in the other direction,, (like the banks and Wall St are now doing!)

I felt my energy being depleted killing myself trying to get what I needed out of her. We fought terribly. I swear I wanted to kill her with my bare hands! I couldn't believe what I was being turned into,, Felt like I was becoming a monster. I don't know how I mustered the awareness to,, get a hold of myself. But I ended up taking all the hatred and turning it inward. All people used to say when I tried to turn to someone was,,, Oh Your poor Mother!

I KNOW I have suffered some permanent ,,backwards,,,inside out,, thinking and relating to the world. I have a poor history of relationships. Terrible self esteem. I'm so ingrained to be a Care giver but, do NOT know how to receive and get my needs met. I give way too much,, my finances suffer. I don't know my worth in the world.

The worst part is that,, I've worked hard to Heal,, myself. One good thing is that I did what my body needed which was to work out,,, with weights,, I did that for over 20 years, Running, always exercising,,Do a lot of Yoga,, meditation,, it just felt good. Like I was putting something back,, giving my body something it never got which was something to push off of,, and actually get a little bit of Give! Not Total restriction and resistance like I got from my mother. One thing that I know messed me up was the fact that she would make me feel like I was crazy. My body would naturally express the truth and because she could not,, validate me and give me credit for anything,, she would just deny. I knew she was hurting me,, she knew she was hurting me and all she did was deny there was anything wrong. I could not get her to acknowledge or admit to anything,,To see what she was doing. I could feel ,, the Disorientation. When I went out into the world t relate to others,, I was, like, Retarded. I didn't know how to act. I was/am Dying for Love and acceptance. There was no one to turn to. All I did for years was search for someone to love me and give me what I so desperately needed.

Never found it. Still feel in Debt. Unable to feel enough inner leverage to sustain a healthy relationship. Just like the Economy,,, Can't get out of Debt. And that' the way Society wants it. No one to be able to afford anything. I now understand ,, it's not an accident. It's part of a plan. Enslavement.
Thank you