Desperately Needing HELP for 8 yr old Son!

by Bonnie
(Beaumont, Tx)

Hi

Please forgive the length of this post...

I want to give you a brief history of myself before jumping into the main point. Im a 46 yr old working mother of 3 kids, ages 5, 8, and 22......yes, I know!

I met my husband 12 years ago at the hospital where we both worked, I was 32 and he was 31 at the time. We dated for 3 years before getting married, so at 35 (and a few months) my biological clock was like a ticking time bomb and quite honestly I began to obsess over wanting a new baby! I loved my daughter and enjoyed all the mother-daughter things we did together, but this time I longed for a BOY! Truly I obsessed over wanting a son! It was ridiculous! I'd say probably 12-15 yrs ago, way before I even met my current husband, I got on the elevator at work and there so happened to be this young male employee in the elevator with me. I noticed the name on his badge.... "Brayden", and instantly fell in love with the name! I knew at that very moment that when or if I ever had a son his name would be Brayden!

Ok, now lets fast forward 12-15 years....my wish has come true! My little darling is here! I got my Brayden and I can honestly say he's the most gorgeous kid you've ever seen! No, Im not bragging (ok maybe I am) or saying that because Im his mother! We get told that by total strangers all the time! Just random comments when we're out in public. But what no one can see is what's going on behind that beautiful face. Something not so pretty! Something very ugly in fact! I cant really say what or why but it all started when he was maybe 3 yrs old. He had minor troubles in daycare but he went to an in-home daycare with only 2-3 other children either way younger or way older than him. So not a lot of competition there. The daycare lady always loved Brayden and said that "he was definitely the boss around there, even with the older kids". So basically he just called the shots and she went along with whatever. Needless to say it wasnt like that when he hit pre-k and kindergarten! There were RULES to follow and he didnt like that! This is really where the problems went from bad to REALLY BAD!

Brayden is now a 3rd grader. He's had challenges in every grade with the teachers. Some deal well with him and some not so much! Last year was a horrible year! Brayden stayed in so much trouble at school he basically just gave up! Gave up on himself! He shut down completely! Refused to do any work! Slept in class all day. Wouldnt participate at all in class work. Most of his classwork had to be brought home for homework, PLUS what was actually supposed to be homework. This made it Hell on me in the evenings! My husband works evenings at the hospital an doesnt get home til 10:30pm so its all on me!

I also have a 5 yr old daughter now to contend with. I feel like she gets neglected some nights because I focus so much on my son and trying to keep him on task. He's very defiant with me. Talks back to me a lot. He's mean to his little sister which is very upsetting to me. He's hit, kicked, pinched, and hit her with toys. She's 1/3 his size which is so unfair. I try to make him see that but when he gets angry he says "he cant control himself". I feel like he's trapped in a vicious cycle now of depression caused by the constant trouble he stays in over his behavior. His behavior causes him to stay in trouble which makes him depressed. The depression just makes his behavior worse and causes more trouble. Its never ending. Now its like he does mean or irritating things to people just for pure entertainment! He CONSTANTLY says rude or negative things to me and his little sister. I dont tolerate it well and end up "going-off" on him....I scream at him. Sometimes I even ridicule him which makes everything worse! I know this but Im at my whits end! He pushes my buttons and thinks its humorous! Ive totally lost it on several occasions (no wonder he cant control himself when I barely can)!

One day his defiance and rude comments got to me so much that I slapped him on his face! No not super hard, or even hard enough to leave a hand print, but still I slapped him and it was wrong! I totally reacted without good judgement and the instant it happened I wanted to just cut off my own hand! How could I have done that to a boy I so desperately wanted for so long?! Right after I did this I had a flashback to the day he was born! I could see in my mind so clear when the doctor finally delivered him and flopped him up on my belly! I remember looking at his face for the first time and falling instantly in love with this child! And now here I was slapping that same face I loved so much! I felt like the biggest failure of a mother that ever lived! Like I didnt deserve to have kids!

But the fact is I love my kids with everything I am! I wouldnt trade a single moment, even the bad ones! But Oh Lord can this boy anger me like no other human on this planet! How do I balance these two extreme emotions?! How can I feel such rage at times for someone I love so much?!

One of the saddest parts is now because my nerves are so frazzled I more easily react to my 5 yr olds misbehavior which really isnt anything but normal 5yr old behavior. I feel like she's getting such a raw deal because I wouldnt normally react to these things if I weren't so tapped out from dealing with my son. PLUS...the majority of the things my little girl is getting in trouble for is behavior she is COPYING from Brayden! She mimics him so now she gets in trouble. Its so unfair because these things she does are not in her characteristic....she would have never thought to do them on her own. She's learning his bad habits and its SO SO not fair to her! Ive tried to make my son see all this but it just doesnt sink in.

We've tried medication which does help to an extent. Weve tried consequences but those only have a short term effect. Nothing with lasting results. We just started to see a psychologist but only have seen her twice so its too soon to know what is to come.

Can anyone offer me some advise? Is anyone else dealing with this or am I the only mom out there? You know, some days when I hear of a heart wrenching story on the news, I look at my situation and realize how lucky I really am and how much worse things could be! I mean at least my son isnt battling something potentially deadly, or something that can cripple him for the rest of his life!.....But then what if he is?