Day of Mom's Funeral

by Kathy
(USA)

I had the biggest meltdown since I was a kid. I was in the process of putting on the new clothes I bought for the occasion, getting ready to go to my mom's funeral and the line on the pantyhose was crooked. I could feel the pantyhose stretching the 'wrong' way. My mind was unable to ignore it, I was becoming obsessed with the feeling of the pulling. "You're uncomfortable because you're fat", "I hate you", "You'll never be thin enough, pretty enough, comfortable enough.." The rage, like bubbling lava in an already erupting volcano, was peaking.

Somehow I managed to calmly turn to my husband and ask him to take the kids out of the hotel room. They were gone in seconds. Thank goodness for supportive spouses! I tore off the pantyhose, I threw my shoes across the room, I ripped off my new blouse, I screamed and screamed and screamed.

My extended family at the Church who were familiar but ignorant of the suffering I had from SPD, as a child, were impeccably impressed with how calm and quiet I was during the services. I had screamed til my voice was hoarse, I couldn't talk if I wanted to.

I was able to get dressed of course, and get on with my life.. I have had lots of cognitive therapy to help me deal with myself in the past 15 or so years, so I knew that the stress of having to travel 3000 miles with four kids in a van, in less than two days, to my mom's funeral, surrounded by family that don't appreciate my presence, was going to be stressful. I know I needed to give myself as much personal space and 'me time' as possible. I know I needed to reconnect with myself and the God of my understanding, and let myself feel whatever I needed to feel without putting myself down. I call my SPD the rage-monster. It comes out the most when I'm overwhelmed and frustrated. I have learned many ways of coping with myself and know today it's okay to be the special person I am. (lol)

I also know I am not alone, and have great compassion for others (especially kids) that have SPD and other special needs too. It's not easy to live with, but it's manageable today. My kids don't hate me, or fear others that have similar experiences.

I continue to challenge myself to learn new skills, one of which is martial arts based and I use it as therapy for myself. It's cheaper than a behavioral therapist, and works just as well, if not better, for me. I hope that if you're suffering with SPD, whether adult or child, that you know that you are not alone, there is life beyond what we can't control and it's a good life. Thanks for reading.