Adult Boyfriend help plz

Hello I realise most comments on here are children but I really need advice. I've recently met a man who I realised was quite different straight away but he is lovely. In the short time I've known him he has displayed most of the things described here.




He is bright/ dyslexic/ honest caring yet has real trouble giving me eye contact and when he does it's more of a glare/ he repeats sentences continually and becomes very different out of doors (as if the whole worlds a big threat ( behaves aggressively pulling faces at strangers) snarling and seems totally unaware of spacial requirements.
He states things like (ladies first ) then barges through/ he continually blocks me off the pavement) he seems unable to talk quietly and blares every sentence (yet if I whisper in his ears to calm him down he receives my words with a smile and tries to lower his voice but then just states ( I'll shut up / I must stop repeating myself)... Continually.


Firstly I was shocked but realised he felt threatened so I just calm him down before we go out and hold his hand to reassure him (it has worked a bit) He has strict routines that he adheres to and is rigid in most things he does (no lea way )

He's amazingly hyperactive and cannot sit down for more than a few minutes and seems amazed when I state things that most people would of heard in chit chat (yet he is obviously very bright and can fix most things and will not give in until he has worked it out

He


has to do something continually
He totally flipped out over a menial thing that it shocked me (but is totally relaxed on things that others would not be happy about ) we nearly split as I was frightened by his reaction but I googled his behaviour and this is where it lead me.

I've tried talking to him about it but it's like he just shuts down again.

He's such a precious person to me already I want us to try (I have been diagnosed with a disorder myself ). He is unaware of his strength ie leaning on me (where most would recognise and would lean yet still hold their own weight a bit)

Playing music is a comfort for me and seems one for him too. Plz note I'm not trying to be a Dr I just feel I need advice. The last thing I want to do is cause more upset to him or distress behaving in a way inappropriate

I cannot believe the medical profession haven't noticed his behaviour and he obviously doesn't want to or can't listen to it. He was in a terrible road accident years ago and was born very premature at the time he was born and I know these can be factors towards his behaviour.

I have nobody I can ask and feel I'm betraying him by posting this but as it's annon and I've kept personal details out

I hope that none of my assumptions/observations offends anyone This is all new to me and I don't want to miss the chance of a happy relationship with someone I feel we can both flourish Tyvm

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Dec 12, 2016
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starstarstarstarstar 		A Similar Experience
by: Anonymous

His behavior sounds very similar to that of my husband's, and my husband has Asperger's Syndrome. It isn't really all that serious in the grand scheme of things, but it does take some getting used to and professional help does alleviate a lot of stress that can be put on the two of you.

If something he is doing makes you feel uncomfortable, the best thing you can do is tell him. Try to encourage him to seek help for things that bother him, be it an internalized or externalized issue, and most of all let him know that you're there for him and you still care a out him no matter what his diagnosis could be.

My husband's concern was that I wouldn't want to be with him anymore if I found it why he acted the way he did, and I had to make sure he knew that wasn't the case. We ended up getting him some medication that helps a lot with his attention span and moodiness. I hope this helped!
Jul 29, 2016
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starstarstarstarstar 		there's loads of overlap amongst disorders
by: Anonymous

Hi!

There are indicators of many challenges that you describe. Things like Asperger Syndrome, sensory challenges, OCD... I'm not at all suggesting any diagnosis, just want to suggest some reading that might help. These types of challenges are all spectrum disorders which means that the severity, frequency and manifestations can and does vary from individual to individual. Here is a starter reading list that I hope will help provide insights.


The Journal of Best Practices by David Finch

The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome by Tony Attwood

The Out-of-Sync Child Grows Up: Coping with Sensory Processing Disorder in the Adolescent and Young Adult Years by Carol Kranowitz

Social Thinking At Work: Why Should I Care? by Michelle Garcia Winner
May 08, 2016
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starstarstarstarstar 		Hyper-sensitivity
by: Anonymous

Hi there!

I'm no medical professional but this sounds very similar to my own experiences.

I am a 21 y/o female with synesthesia and hyper-sensitivity (and of course SPD). I am also mildly dyslexic with numbers and words. Not sure how well this would translate to a male point of view, but I hope this can help if even in some small way.

I used to have difficulty with giving people eye-contact. I have a tendency to not blink and when I look people in the eyes, it comes off as staring/glaring (which is considered rude) so it was easier to avoid eye contact than unintentionally offending someone. But I made a friend when I was older who was very understanding and helped make this easier for me by not shutting me down and gently reminding me to blink once in a while haha.

The repetition of sentences can be due to confusion/forgetting about having said them. My friends have told me that I have said something again or that I've already told them about something and I will have no recollection of it. People will often get irritable and shut me down for it, so I end up feeling reclusive and defensive. You feel pretty stupid for something that seems pretty simple for everyone else. These memory problems were also due to chronic depression and anxiety though. This became less problematic when my mental well-being started improving.

I too have difficulty measuring the volume of my voice and strength. All I can say is practice. I read people facial expressions and occasionally adjust the volume of my voice to make sure it is at an appropriate level. You need to constantly analyse your environment, it is just something you learn to do. But it is nice when you have someone to gently remind you when you're speaking a little too loud or soft instead being snapped at and shutdown.

My hugs and high fives are also a little strong - I don't intend to hurt people, I'm just not very good a measuring my own strength. My solution is just to treat people like fragile eggs, being gentle as possible. People can't really complain if your hug is 'too' soft haha.

Being uncomfortable outdoors and in public or doing new things is part of being defensive. Over-stimulation to sound/sight/touch/smell can lead to irritability. It is exhausting trying to keep a straight face in public when you just want to go somewhere quite and de-stress your senses.
The possibility of humiliation over simple, menial things is always constant pressure as well. Like a black spot that will haunt you forever. I really can't stand going out more than a couple times a week. People (the general public) just aren't accommodating nor understanding. It is a pretty frustrating situation.
Going through this kind of frustration though, and understanding that little things can really upset a person, opens up your perspective and self-awareness, analysing and understanding other so you don't put them through that kind of pain.

My methods for coping are whenever I go out, I listen to music to reduce the over-stimulation. Also, if I were with a friend, I would feel less vulnerable to humiliation. I meditate daily (alone), giving myself some time and space to process my feelings so the frustration doesn't build up, so I can relax and 're-charge'. This is very important in my opinion.

I feel very vulnerable opening up to people I am close with about this because a) many will jump to conclusions without actually listening; or b) they will dismiss it and shut you down for it; rarely c) they will take your needs into consideration and adjust their behaviour. Of course medical professionals can be the same way, shutting you down, making you feel stupid because it is not a 'physical' disorder or illness, rarely have they been a help to me in this case.

Most of this comes from self-education and analysis. Analyse present and past behaviour and interactions, what has changed, why, for better or worse, develop methods to make daily tasks easier, seeking out support groups, reading up on their experiences, reading up on these disorders, giving yourself a better understanding of yourself, and being ready to make mistakes and trying new tactics. For example, when it comes to screwing up or some menial upset, I ask myself will it matter in 10secs, 10 minutes, 10 hours, 10 days, 10 weeks, 10 months or 10 years from now? Eventually the answer will be no. This helps to put things into perspective for myself.

Overall, my advice: if I were in a relationship, I would occasionally talk about it here and there to see how my partner would react or take note. I wouldn't want them to push/force it out of me. But if they said they would like to talk/understand more about myself, and they were there when I was ready, that would take the pressure off and make me feel more comfortable by not hammering me about it, making me feel like I'm attention-seeking/over-reacting/crazy or useless/stupid, and that they were more accepting of my situation.

I hope this makes sense, and I hope it helps. Good luck! C:


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