Twenty Five and Searching

by Erica
(Mason, Ohio, US)

I'm 25 years old and have been trying to figure out what's been causing the issues I've had since a child; particularly finger twitching where I put my wrists on my forehead and flick and twitch my fingers vigorously. My family would scold me constantly about it and threatened to tape my hands together among other things. My Dad would tell me I "look like a retard" or "If you keep doing that people will think your retarded", then he'd bend over and mock me with his hands in his face and say "Look at me I'm Erica" and would encourage the rest of my family to participate. My cousins would do it and he'd laugh or do it with them as if he thought a little teasing would some how make me stop what was clearly more then some strange habit. My grandmother would make me sit on my hands or make me put on cooking mittens and duck tape my hands together because they somehow thought if they punished me for what I was doing I would stop doing it, which only made my self conscious and fearful of people seeing me do it which would cause me to do other things in public instead.

I pace back and forth, I would run in circles in my room and touch every wall over and over and spin in circles for long periods of time and not get dizzy. I would spin in computer chairs and still do these habits today. The spinning and finger twitching have always seemed like a release of energy or what I would say what I'm assuming was over stimulation. The spinning and tapping walls would happen when listening to music and the figure twitching normally when deep in thought but also for many other reasons like what I can only explain as strange sudden bursts of energy coming from nowhere but causing an involuntary twitching.

I couldn't stand sitting still and would kick and swing my feet back and forth when sitting at my desk and would sometimes randomly jump out of my seat and start walking without even realizing what I was doing which was very embarrassing at times. I'd do this often as well both at home and at school. It was a strange surge of arousal as if I just had to get up and go. This would get very bad at nights when I'd begin to panic in my room feeling trapped in a small space and having a strong urge to escape and get out just go walking. At this times I'd start pacing and bouncing off the walls (literally walking from one wall to the next pushing off the wall with my hands). I would constantly hunch over and hold my head up with my head and would have chronic back and neck pain even as a child which I didn't even realize until I was in my 20's that, that wasn't normal. I've gone from finger twitching to doing things like rocking back and forth and turning my head from side to side which really bothers me.

I had many issues when I was a child. I couldn't tie my shoes or read and they said I had dyslexia because I would write my words and letters backwards. Now the issue is looking at this list I seem to fall into more than half of the categories and have nearly every sign for over 3 categories, is that even possible? I just wanna know whats really going on with me and if there's anything that can help relieve any of this. Just knowing that I'm not crazy would be great. I really wish my parents would have figure this out when I was a child. It would have saved me a lot of trouble along with social issues. Instead I was ostracized and bullied by my peers and my own family. I'd love to learn about my illness and see a doctor who understands these conditions.